Discman

When the Discman was getting popular, I remember thinking, "Hey, now I can jog and listen to my CD's!"  Then I got one and thought, "Hey, it only skips if you hold it."  The Discman was a Deskman.  And don't bump the desk.

Hole Foods

I love pie, so naturally I cram it in my pie hole.  I also love peas and corn.

Punctuality

I tend to get myself in trouble a lot at normal day jobs.  I remember this one time I was running behind and I accidently came in Late. She totally overreacted.  She started screaming, "How could you?  You're supposed to be a professional?"  And I was just like, "Late, chill out. We're just doing a scene here."

Word

Your mother is so fat, she has to wear extra large sized T-shirts.

Dreams

I've given up on building the house of my dreams.  It's just not in the cards.  I designed it when I was 11, but things have not gone as planned financially, so I'm going to have to get used to the idea of living in a house without secret passages.  But I have a new dream better suited to my income level.  One day, if everything goes right, I'm going to build the deck of my dreams.  You know, the kind of deck you might see in a Thompson's Water Sealer commercial.  A dream deck.  The kicker?  A specially designed area for a built-in hot tub, which I'll start saving for right after I pay off the deck.  

Someday, huh?

Power

With the exception of a handful of people, I've got everyone right in the palm of my hand.

Moviegoing

I consider myself a cinephile, I love the moviegoing experience, but movies today are getting too expensive.  I suppose I could rent to save money, but I have certain screening standards.  Call me a film snob, but I prefer to see movies as they were intended to be seen.  But $400 for two hours is a little steep.  I mean, what am I really getting for my money?  At the end of the day I'm twenty feet away from a thirteen inch screen with a strong green tint to it, and now I'm in Denver for some reason?

Plagiarism

I told a friend one of my jokes.  She laughed and said, "That's pretty funny in my book."  That kind of threw me.  First of all, Joyce is writing a book?  And secondly, she's using my material?  Of course it's funny in your book, Joyce.  It's funny in my act, too.

Mother Nature

I saw a commercial for a lather builder, also known as a body sponge, or luffa, where they claimed it could produce twice the soap lather of a conventional washcloth. Yeah maybe it can Commercial, but is it better than my pubes?

Mississip'

Did you know that Mississippi is the only state in the union that children both love to spell, and love to use as a counting device?

Stop the Presses

I saw a headline in the newspaper that read, "Dinosaur Remains Found."  Is that really newsworthy? Where is Dinosaur going? Still in the museum, Dinosaur?  Good.  This just in, "Sky Remains Blue."

Predator

If a staple remover ever came to life, I'm pretty sure it would be carnivorous.

Good Times

I like to have good times. I have a lot of friends and we hang out endlessly having good times, all the time.

That being said, I don't see why people get down on drinking alone. Whenever I do it, I laugh a lot. It definitely feels like a good time.

The Future is Now

Dippin' Dots makes a great product.  Their motto is, "Ice Cream of the Future." I love Dippin' Dots, but they did not make the ice cream of the future.

The future of ice cream is melted.

Gratitude

The "Thank you" written on every trash can in every fast food restaurant assumes a lot.  Because little does that trash can know, I just threw away my tray.

You're welcome, Trash Can.  

I did that on purpose.  

I know I'm supposed to put trays on top of you.

Revenge

A friend of mine wronged me pretty bad once.  So as payback, I bought him a VHS copy of Pay It Forward.